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A couple of days ago, I'd told myself yes, its time for a change.Yes, less bitter me equates an optimistic me which of course in turn brings out the less pissy-er side of me,less negative vibes from me, and therefore, a cheerful blog =D
Well, needless to say, things are cut short (again) for me.
Mum is always wondering why am I such a mood swinger.The answer is rather simple and easy, Im sad, which is most probably the last thing she wants to hear, or at least now, she is reluctant to.
This year has exuberantly melancholic for me. See, I contradict myself again.It only has been a year but it seems like a lifelong journey. And I on my humble note, still acknowledge that I have not earn the virtues of academic.Its a lifelong challenge.
Waking up today was not a challenge, but checking my results was indeed a heart thumping moment.It was just 9.38 am, and my friends all the way from NZ keep buzzing me to check my results.
I recite my little prayer under my breath.Seems so,unfortunately,it doesnt help much.In fact, it doesnt help at all.
The first law of thermodynamics states the total energy of the universe is constant, or more usefully that energy in all its form cannot be created or destroyed , though the various forms are interconvertible.Light energy can be converted into chemical energy, heat energy can be converted into mechanical energy and so on.Living organisms obey this law.This make me one of them.I've heard myself doing monologue " Please be strong Yee Zhi Hua" or "please suppress your feelings;at least for now " for innumerable times, more so than I've found myself having a decent conversation with my parents.
Being paralysed of expressing one's guilt,regret, and sorrow is one the hardest feeling I ought to endure.To me, saying ' Hey Im so fucked in this exams and Im sad ' in my facebook profile may as well sound the death knell to me.It seems to be engraved on my forehead and speaks for a victorious battle for my fellow friends/classmates/coursemates whatever you wanna call them. I swore I never tell my parents how depressed Im during those days and of course, now. What kind of child would let them worry?And I know them the best,on how would they respond.
It seems so hard for me to swallow the fact that I've studied so much and got nothing close to what I've aimed for. Yes, it sucks. And yes I told myself to MAN UP~ But for how long can I persist? Its like an uncontrollable mitosis, a chain of causality with many known and unknown confounders.Its been a year of five hours of sleep,non stop.I feel the tremendous pang of pain, but yet I have to restrain it from time to time.
Like come on, Daniel begin to show his discomfort as 'I give him the negative vibes'.And so does the other co-author of this blog.
I cant talk to my parents, most definitely not to my friends back in NZ, not even allowed to do so in facebook,or anywhere with them around and now a coherent image of me not able to talk to anyone but this non responsive blog begin to emerge. ( i feel so fucking confined and aimless)
And now after ranting, Im back to square one, back to my starting point,nothing has changed.Oprah didnt witness this,haha.
Im tired.IM tired of wanting people to know that Im tired.Im tired of me acting like this.Im tired of being so hard-out when in the end, I got nothing near to satisfactory.Im tired of being tired.


If only God has a contact number, I'd ring him.

Starting Anew

It’s time I change my study strategy. Yep, it takes almost failing (I sure hope that I didn’t fail it) a paper for me to realize how severe a situation I’m in. But at least I’m not too late yet, and not too far gone yet (again, at least I hope so).

Ever since advanced diploma started, my results seemed to have gone down straight even though I had more time to study compared to my diploma years. Apparently whatever I’m doing, it’s not good enough.

I believe yesterday’s failure will not be in vain. At the very least, I’ve gained the realization to change, to improve. If my classmates can do it, I can definitely try. I will keep trying, instead of in a state of semi-giving up. Things will not change for better on its own. Feeling lost when faced with a question paper is a feeling I absolutely hate. I’m not used to it, and I don’t intend to be.

No use complaining about not enough time man. Catching up with syllabus which lecturers simply breezed through every lecture without a care about your understanding, heaps of tutorials with their mind-boggling questions, time consuming preparation for presentations, assignment deadlines that comes one after another or sometimes all at once… It’s the same every single semester, and probably it’ll get worse by time.

So it’s time for a challenge!
If I try, there’s a chance of success. If I don’t, heh, not even a chance.

a year of endless disappointment

I checked my results, moments ago.
Not good =(

Answers

I was laying down on my bed looking back at the photos that I've took in NZ and I recalled some of the most stupid questions that people often thrown at me.Frequently asked questions (some are effing retarded) are....

~You told me you were stressful and all.How come you look like you are having a good time in the those pictures you've uploaded in facebook?

Do you take pictures of yourself stressing out or when ya having exams? Or when ya in the state of longing for someone to lend their shoulders for you to cry on? Use at least half of ur brain plz.

~Hows Australia?

Piss off, Im in NZ.

~Do they have supermarkets in NZ?

NOOOO, trust me we dont,we feed on trees and wild animals.

~Do you see sheeps/lambs/cows everywhere?

No, we live in the city...Its not quite what you imagined. Its more developed.

~Does it snows over there?

Yes, esp in the south.

~Are they racist?

Who isnt?

~Do they have Asians there?

Heaps.

~Western country = laidback lifestyle.

You are so wrong.

~Why NZ?

cuz its cheaper than ... and better than... =)

~Do you miss home?

-.-"

~Wow your parents didnt accompany you for your first trip there.Arent you scared/worried?

-.-"

~Arent you sad when you first left?

*Its like a dumbfuck reporter asking a fire victim whether is he devastated over the loss of his loved ones...*

Me Likey-s ~

<3>My baby destroyer =)

Delusional~

I know I've said that given a choice between coursework exams and group assignments, I'd choose the latter.

But I didn't take into account the situation when lecturers and tutors give stupid contradicting "instructions" and resulted in us being stuck in between. I don't think they've ever heard of the word standardizing before, although they should be veRy familiar with consistency. Don't skip that procedure of sitting down and stardardizing, just because you don't like each other. I thought adults should be mature.
You want us give you consistency, then YOU give us consistency first.

Oh and before u start dreaming about how to make the assignments more interesting by asking us to find this and that, are u sure those detailed information is even available to public in the first place?

Since im back...

It has been (approx) two weeks since I’ve arrived KL, but I have yet to adjust myself to this extremely warm weather and slowly creeping back into the sedentary lifestyle ( yup, I’ve constantly reminded myself that this is one of the environmental factor that leads to obesity).

Anyway, Im so bored these few days I bought random stuffs, and I am pretty surprised how easy am I to be pleased.

I bought a mirror that looks like a cookie... and sis gave me stickers. Girly aye...but hey fret not, I got reasons behind purchasing these goods...XD

Went to The Gardens yesterday, nothing much , just had our breakfast in Canton-i.

Mummy

Yea, kinda feasty judging its just breakfast.But hey, we skipped lunch as usual and had light dinner.